Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Locked out Part II (different city/different person)

R: Omg can i tell you a crazy story from yesterdya?>
me: yup
R: So, I had food poisoning 2 nights ago
12:33 PM all kinds of puking and extra stuff
and I woke up at 3 in the afternoon to go to the store
and buy some sick tools
As I was walking, I started to pass out, everything went white
and i went itno the first placve of business I could,
12:34 PM which was a dry cleaners
and I yelled, HEY EVERYONE
then I did
when I came tom
this handsome gentleman was standing over me
and he said, are you ok?
And I replied
"Will you drive me home?
And he said he would,
12:35 PM so he carried me out to his car
me: lol;
R: which tunred out to be this super swanky lexis
and he drove me home'
because I was sick
I was wearinf this little minisirk dress that I had been sleepng it
12:36 PM and I was so sweaty from being sick and fainty
that when I got out of his lexis I left behind a sweaty but print
His name was steven.
And when I fainted in the dry cleaers my house keys fell out of my pocket and I dont have them
th ebd
12:38 PM me: did you have to go back to the cleaners?
R: Ill go todsay
12:39 PM me: how did you get in?
R: get in what?
12:40 PM Oh! shoe key
me: your house
R: secret shoe key
me: oh of course!

Locked Out Part I

S: so, I locked all my underwear in a suitcase
by accident me: really?
S: you know that old suitcase on the floor of my closet that I kept undies and socks ijn?
me: yeah
S: well, I closed it for easy transport. Now it won't open
I was going at it with a butter knife this AM
me: shit
S: and I was running late, so I just went commando. Which I hate.
me: you didn't have one single pair anywhere else?
S: But apparently don't hate enough to get off my butt and go get some underoos.
Couldn't find ANY

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


S: jesus
how late did you guys stay last night?
3:40 PM me: till like 3
what happened to you
S: too much alcohol
3:41 PM i woke up on the living room floor at 9
me: lol
S: M came walking out into the living room at 930 and had lost her pants
and found them and they were like all wet
maybe she went outside or something?
but then X picked us up
me: hahha
you were a mess
S: oh god
i hope no one is mad at me
me: i like how a simple picnic turns into an absolute shit show
S: haha
me: everyone was acting crazy it's ok
S: ok
3:46 PM i wont worry too much
3:48 PM its just a bad ides to party after a picnic or beach day
i cant handle it
me: haha yeah
i couldn't either
4:10 PM S: i sent a weird text to a number i dont know last night
555 555 5555
4:12 PM me: lol
maybe m?
S: i texted the name of an arts organization in southern japan
4:13 PM
PM me: Oh i just found out part of the reason my friend was so scared of you last night was because right when she walked in, you started talking about how you met at a prison correctional facility holiday party. Made no sense until now...the group with the food at port authority bowling.
4:25 PM S: haha
wow amazing
can you pass along that i am truly sorry
me: i think someone also has a video of you doing karaoke in your sleep
S: shut up!
me: yeah
4:26 PM you are singing and then you lay on the floor
you also woke up at one point
S: haha
me: and said that your dad took away your dreams
that you haven't dreamed in years
S: `what!
me: yeah
S: holy crap
me: for real
S: that is kind of amazing
4:27 PM me: ha yeah
S: i dontknow what to make of that
i dream all the time
last night i dreamed that i met shaq
me: haha wow
S: and we went and chilled out at his place in the east villagae
he was in a bodega
4:28 PM shopping and i just started talking with him
and he was like yeah lets hang out im not doing anything

The Fanciest of Feasts

J:last night I ate a can of cat food
fancy feast
I just wanted to see why my cat liked it so much
and you know what?
Now I kniw
4:19 PM me: you did not eat it
shut up
J: that shit;s good
yes I did.
me: is this someone else?
i don't believe you
J: just a spoon.
i lied when I said the whole can
me: mills
are you serious
you ate a bit of cat food?
J: I am
me: and it was good?
J: yes
yes it was
it was like eating beef soup
me: no come on
J: im serious!
4:20 PM I just tried a spoon
me: any other details to share?
J: my cat loves it so much!!!
J: I thought it would be something we could connect over
blog away
I have no shame
me: haha i dont' think i ever tried it
J: try it!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

porn and taxes (conversation about yearly tax appointment with accountant)

me: was it pretty quick for him to update everything for you?
allie: yeah
once he actually got to my stuff
me: right
a: but i only waited about an hour
me: once he was done with all the plants and the fish?
a: yeah and the porn
me: haha
oh god
a: i'm not joking
i saw a video of his wife and another woman
me: shut up
a: and that's the tamer stuff he has 'lying around'
dude i saw his penis in several pictures
he was going through his catalog of videos
trying to find stuff
and then he busted out the collection of dvds with animal porn
i declined that one
he showed me his swinger page, and also showed me his bag of sex toys
i am NOT joking about any of this
me: shut the f-ck up
a: nope not joking
dude the whole appointment was completely over the top
me: jesus
a: he was going on about renting out the upstairs so he could do porn
yeah he's totally out of his mind
then he goes on about how he has a video feed of the whole building and caught his wife cheating
and that he parties and does adderol, and how puff daddy is gay
and he had prostate cancer and almost had his balls removed
and that he did tupac's taxes
is that what your visit was like?
me: how did you respond to this
a: i am fairly lenient person. honestly it wasn't even surprising for me, it was like a movie
he's like a nutty cartoon character
he also claims there is a character in a stephen king book based off of him.. an accountant that goes crazy
i kind of wish i just had a video of the whole visit. it's like something that only happens once in a lifetime. life a solar eclipse or something
me: wow
wow wow wow

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

This just made me go HA!

i hear a dog barking all day
on my floor
me: unbelevbs
S: so i just go to the bathroom
and this lady decided she has to pee with the dog
meanwhile, i'm on my period and thinking, oh great the dog's gonna sniff me out
she's in her stall peeing
as im changing my goods, the dog sticks his head in my stall
and all i can manage is a "please get out"
me: LOL
"changing my goods"
did the dog get out?
S: yeah but i had to like kick him
and the lady was apologizing from her stall
and then he came back in
it was the worst
me: oh dear
that is not cool
who was this woman?
S: no clue...there are different offices on my floor

Thursday, July 2, 2009

text message

I just bought condoms (her pleasure) and two 5hr energy shots. I think im ready.